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[February 18; 12:26am] |
I lied. Valentine's day did nothing but suck ass. Being stuck in this dorm with Jack is a sentence from hell. I promised myself I would get out and go do something but I ended up just laying around the place thinking about her. Where was she? Was she out with with him? If so, what were they doing? I was miserable the whole day thinking of her ending up back at his place.
Jack regularly calls me an idiot for mooning over her, pining my life away for her as he puts it. He thinks I'm a fool for not only chasing after a girl, but one who has made it more than clear that she doesn't want me. I know it's not true, even when she swears up and down to me that it is. I've felt it when she kisses me, hell, when I hold her hand. Something's there. Something worth saving and I'm not about to stop until I get it.
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[February 09; 02:10am] |
It's going to be Valentine's Day next week. Grace is going on and on about her plans with Zane for the holiday and I know for a fact that Jack intends to make some unsuspecting girl think she's got a chance at a relationship with him in order to get her into bed. Dad'll sit around and mope, one of the few nights he stays home from working the bar and actually drinks himself. And while they might not be the greatest or grandest plans in the world, everyone in my family will have some...except me.
I'm kind of glad I don't have plans though. It'll be the first year in a long time I haven't been chasing after someone or stuck in a relationship, wishing I was anywhere but there. I told myself this is the year I would get over her, that I'd go out and actually start trying to be with other people instead of just doing it to please others. Should it have been a sign as to how long it's taken me to even try this? I met her when I was fifteen. I've lost and gained so much because of her. I'm doing it again. Focusing on her when I'm trying my damnest to get her off my mind. Maybe Jack's right. Maybe I just need to go get laid.
There's talk of Jamaica for Spring Break. God, I need a vacation.
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[April 03; 08:48pm] |
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mood |
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Jack says I'm an idiot for holding out for someone halfway around the world. He says it's a waste of time and I'm just not looking hard enough for someone who'll help me get over her. Problem is, I don't want to get over her. I didn't even want to try to date my last three girlfriends. None of them compared to her. None of them were even close. She captivated me the first night I might her and one big, damn ocean isn't going to keep me from her. I haven't got it all figured out but someday that girl is gonna realize she wants to be with me just as bad as I want to be with her.
School is, eh. I feel like I'm busting my ass all the time and not even getting half the recognition for it. I suppose that's college though. I made the dean's list for last semester so it's not all awful. And Spring Break is this week! Even though I'm not going anywhere, it'll be nice to have a break from school. Everything's been so damn busy lately. Just a week's going to make a world of difference.
I'm bored with my life.
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[November 15; 11:56pm] |
I broke up with Michelle. She's really got to get a handle on these trust issues she has. It's like she thinks I spend every free moment that I'm not in class cheating on her. No matter how many times I tell her there's nothing going on between me and anyone, she still constantly harps on me. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to tell her politely, which is what I would have preferred, so I just blurted it out to her over the phone. I told her I didn't love her anymore and it was time we saw other people. She cried. Jack sat in the background and laughed as I tried to calm her down. It didn't work. I got called every name in the book before she told me she never wanted to hear from me and slammed the phone down.
That was two weeks ago. I'm not gonna lie, not having a girlfriend now definitely had its benefits. Jack, the eternal playboy who brings a different girl home every night, has been trying to get me to have a fling, something to loosen me up a bit from being tied down. I don't think I'm not loose enough. True, I was with Michelle for a year but I don't think it changed me. I certainly don't think it made me less loose, as it were.
Jack keeps talking about some club this weekend. "Only the hottest girls in the world get into this club, B. You're definitely going to find someone to forget about Michelle with." My twin, only ever concerned with one thing. He's going to get himself in trouble with it one of these days. If it's not a disease, someday, some girl is going to show up to the dorm, crying, talking about how Jack knocked her up. Lemme tell you, dreading that day. Grace already went and got herself knocked up, Dad would blow a fuse if Jack got some girl pregnant.
I don't know. I don't think I'm not over her, but I am looking forward to going to this club.
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